So, today at work I decided that every time I got a lull in customers, I would write something. Whether it be about my day, something I'd been thinking about, or what, didn't matter. This is what I came up with. I left the grammar and spelling mistakes for the most part the same way it was when I scrawled it out. The ellipsis note where I stopped that train of thought and went to work with customers.
...So, I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because I'm sitting at the produce stand at the hottest freaking day of the year in a summer dress I haven't worn since I was 15, completely bored out of my mind. Maybe it's because I'm refraining from playing my DS at the stand because my sales numbers are down and since I can't park my car out front to show I'm here and I refuse to try and hide where the produce comes from if the customer asks (because EVERYONE on the Eastern Shore knows anyway that strawberry season is way over and those are definitely Driscoll's), I have to try other methods of trying to get customers to buy, one of which so happens to be sitting out front of everything trying to look studious by writing in a notebook instead of leveling up my Ampharos. Or maybe it's because I'm freaking stressed and have a lot going swimming through my mind and maybe if I write it all down it will get out of my mind and stay on paper and I can fill my mind with fun things instead. Or, maybe it's all three...
...A lot has happened and a lot of time has passed since I've last written anything, be it in blog form or written out on paper or otherwise. One of the first big things that happened to me recently is my dog died. For those unfortunate enough to have never met him, Buddy was the most beautiful English blonde yellow lab to ever frolick the Eastern Shore. He was short and stocky and quirky and twerpy and cheeky as all get out, just like the young lady who was lucky enough to have him as her best friend. All through my school years, he grew with me, from a playmate in elementary school because the only kids who lived around me were boys with cooties, to middle school and early high school where he was always happy to see me, even if I was an awkward teenager with a bad haircut. But as a new chapter in my life was starting to begin, the last chapter of his life was starting to end. Tumors started growing in every major organ in his body except his right kidney. By my sophomore year of college, the cancer spread to his brain, and the seizures started. For weeks at a time, I slept downstairs in the living room so I could hear when he had a seizure and could sit with him at 3 in the morning to comfort and assure him in the confusion and temporary blindness and deafness that would occur after his seizures. This lasted until April, when we decided that it was time. At this point, the cancer had also spread to his lungs and throat and the tumors often prevented him from breathing. Easter Monday, we took him into the vet first thing in the morning; on the way there one of the worst breathing fits he'd had yet started, and by the time we got to the vet he was no longer able to walk. Two vet techs rush out to get him and rushed him into the back room and immediately attached an oxegyn mask to keep him alive long enough for them to find out who we were and what was going on. I remember being bothered because Buddy never liked having his nose touched and the oxygen mask went around his snout and I could tell it bothered him.
Most euthenizations are done in this nice, comfy room with couches and mats on the floor so you can sit with your pet as they peacefully lull into slumber eternal. Buddy left us heaving for air on a cold, metal table with something touching his nose. We went home and I spent the rest of the day getting up the nerve to get rid of his dish bowls and wishing I had taken more pictures of him. I don'r really remember much else looking back on spring right now, and summer too has blurred into one big, stressful mess...
...Apparently, Buddy wasn't the only best friend I was to lose this year. It all started with hurt feelings, which ended up hurting more feelings. Miscommunication and refusal to communicate caused more hurt, and pairing that with anger and insecurity and assumptions and demands, it escalated to the point that, when I tried to talk her into us trying to fix it, she had already become bitter to the point of deciding that I wasn't worth enough, that I didn't have enough to offer a friendship, to bother trying to fix things with. It ended with her deleting me from her life, and from what she's acted like in front of me thus far, a blatantly obvious frigid demeanor whenever I'm in her presence. This sucks because a group of us, she and I included, are going to a convention less than a week away. Her determination to be obviously and openly cold-hearted towards people she doesn't like who are around her, while before was a good tactic for getting people to leave us alone, now just promises to make for a painful weekend for me and an uncomfortably awkward weekend for those who have found themselves caught in the middle. currently, my game plan is, if I can even get a ride up there anymore, to split off and do my own thing. Because being around her is sure to end up going bad, and our issues with each other have already ruined too much of my summer to ruin my convention experience too...
...One good thing about all this, is I am perhaps even more excited about going back to Liberty University. than I was before. Just 24 more days, and I will be headed back to Liberty. Totally worth the 12:00 curfew to leave all this drama behind. And I'm going to be in East Campus to boot! I really wish I had listened to Henry brag about East all those times he did, because I still haven't the slightest clue what to expect from it. I'm also kinda worried about space. I know there's just gobs more space in East than main dorms, but it IS still asking three girls to share one closet. And it's really got me nervous because it is three girls with the impression that there is going to be a lot of space. That the thing about us girls: if there is free space, we can find a way to fill it with stuff. Another reason the whole space thing makes me nervous is because yeah, we have more space and storage than main campus, but we also have a lot of stuff we totally wouldn't be using in Main dorms. We've got freaking pots and pans and cookie sheets and a blender and a rice cooker and a Foreman grill and just a LOT of stuff. I just have to wonder, is there room? I also have a feeling my metalwork won't go over too well with the others on East Campus. I mean, I'll admit myself that the sound of a hammer hitting an anvil is pretty darn grating on the ears. I wish there was an out-of-place place I could work. Maybe I can convince one of the boys that a great way to keep themselves in shape for their respective military branch is for them to lug 60+ pounds of tools on a hike up to the monogram for me so I can work where I won't be disturbing an entire row of apartments. Because I sure as heck know there's no way I can get those tools up there myself...
...So, right now there's a pretty slow lull at the stand. No one has come around for maybe the last 35 minutes at the stand. It was pretty busy this morning, busier than usual, but I still don't think I will sell out of anything. I have to admit, I'm nervous about my job. I don't sell as much as everyone else for some reason, so I have a feeling my days are going to be REALLY cut in August, which I really just can't afford. I have a feeling a sizeable part of it is the fact I don't have a car here since I don't drive. So even though the stand is set up and such, if they don't see a car parked outside, I guess they assume we took a quick break or changed shifts or something. I'm trying to sit out where people driving by can see me, but if they aren't looking when they pass because they assume I'm not there then that won't really do much. I really need to sell a lot today though. I'm depending on getting several days in the beginning of August. I leave for college August 16th, so I only have about two weeks with which I can work. If I only get like a day each week, then I'm beyond screwed. Let's just hope that if that happens then at least the jewelry business will pick up quickly when I start it when I go back to Liberty. I should also definitely look into working more with pearls and crystals, since that is traditional bridal fare, and Liberty is exploding with traditional brides. It would be a great customer base, and I feel a whole lot better about customers seeing the product before buying instead of ordering online and their being the risk of them not liking it like they liked pictures of it. It would also get rid of the hassle of selling and buying online. Like shipping costs. Freaking shipping costs, man...
...So, there's this bee that has been chilling on my tip jar for the past 45 minutes. It's actually pretty freaking adorable. He points his antennas towards you when you come near, but so far nothing has made him want to move. People have even thrown money in my tip jar trying to get him to react, which is a plus for me because hey, it means more money in my tip jar. He's just sat there, for the past 45 minutes, shifting around and cleaning his antenna and just being gosh darn cute. I guess it's just too hot to collect pollen today. But somewhere's there's gonna be a Queen Bee pretty peeved her worker bee chose to slack off and hang out with me today...
...Just another hour and a half before I can start packing up, go home, and cool off. I can do this. Heat, you ain't got nothing on me!!!!...
...Man, I really hope I can arrange a ride for Otakon in time. That really has me worried. I pretty much only have one option I know of at this point, and I've asked twice but haven't heard back on the matter yet. On the one hand, I don't even want to go at this point. Not really. It has been such a stressful crap-fest of stupid so far trying to get things figured out for it, and my entire time there is probably going to be dampered anyway by the same things what has made planning so stressful. On the other, I kinda really really want to go. I want to go and gawk at the brilliant cosplays and laugh at the horridly done cosplays and go around all the booths and browse all the stuff they have for sale and get ideas and be inspired by it all. I've never been, and I've heard so many wonderful things about it, and I want to experience it for myself, dangit...
...I really wish I wasn't such a burden on my friends all the time. I have to rely on them on so many things, namely rides. I hate that what I can and can't do, and where I can and can't go often depend on whether or not a friend can give me a ride there. It is fair to anyone, especially them. I worry they feel like they have to offer to give me a ride even if it isn't convenient for them, just because I can't take myself anywhere. Sometimes I feel less like a friend and more like a dependent. Friends are equals; friends are give and take. And because I can't drive I'm constantly taking and taking and I can't give rides back. If one of my friends is in a tight spot or needs someone to come to them, I can't do it. And it complicates what should be simple situations. It really makes me sad...
