I wish I had a better understanding of people. Sometimes, I even wish I could read minds. I know, that would be a horrible superpower to have, and would backfire all the time. Sometimes it is best to be oblivious, after all. But sometimes, sometimes I stare at people and try my hardest to find out what people REALLY mean, what they REALLY think. I think if I could read people's minds, and know what's really going on with someone, it would prevent me from saying the wrong thing, and hurting people and causing people to be mad at me. I seem to do that a lot. I've realized too late that I've already lost some of the most important people in my life, because I couldn't predict or be sure of what they were thinking. I've said stupid things and done stupid things and hurt them without realizing, and by the time I had a grasp on what was really going on, it was too late. They were gone. There aren't any second chances when it comes to stuff like this.
The thing that makes it really sting is the little voice in my head that keeps reminding me that it's all my fault. The pain I caused them, the pain I now feel at their absence, all of it could have been avoided, SHOULD have been avoided, if I had the ability to see things through eyes other than my own. Even now, though I understand what my shortcoming was, I'm no closer to knowing how to fix it. I still don't even know where to begin to know how to grasp another's thoughts. And even now it's still causing problems. I'm continually hurting one of the most important people to me, and I don't even know how to stop. If I could just know what they were really thinking, I think I could figure it out. But I don't know how to know. I can't get that information from them. People never tell you what they really, REALLY think, after all. And the information I have gotten from them is so completely contradictory I don't know what's truth and what's false. Shady actions and blatant horrid words strike me in the face, and my brain is telling me that they're lying when they feed you kind, placating words. But then my heart speaks up and vehemently denies the possibility. "They're there for you" it says. This is someone who's had your back time and time again. They've held you when you've cried and made you laugh when you didn't feel like being happy and they've said so themselves that they'll never leave you behind, that you're too important to them to abandon.
And then my brain speaks back up. It calls my heart stupid and naive. It reminds my heart of all the times they WEREN'T there for me. Reminds of the darkest times, when they abandoned me when I needed them the most. Reminds me of the contradicting stories and all the times I trusted and was let down and hurt again and again and again. My brain tells me not to listen to my heart, reminds me of how broken I ended up whenever I had faith in them. It begs me to run for my own good. My heart begs me to stay for the same reason.
Both my brain and my heart have gotten me hurt before. I no longer know which one to listen to, if I should listen to either. I'm terrified to take action at all, honestly. Every time I do, it's another mistake. Will this next time, be the last? Will the next mistake I feel almost certain I'll make be the one to tip them over the edge, and make them abandon me for good? Can I prevent this from happening? Everything I thought I knew about them has been completely upended, and I don't feel secure in knowing anything about them anymore.
I'm terrified to try, and get destroyed again. But I'm terrified to not try, and have them slip through my fingers. But most of all I'm terrified because I don't know what to do.
Song of the Day:
Believe- Skillet
I'm still trying to figure out
How to tell you I was wrong
I can't fill the emptiness inside
Since you've been gone
So is it you or is it me?
I know I said things that I didn't mean
But you should've known me by now
You should've known me
If you believed when I said
I'd be better off without you
Then you never really knew me at all
If you believed when I said
That I wouldn't be thinking about you
You thought you knew the truth
But you're wrong
You're all that I need
Just tell me that you still believe
I can't undo the things
That led us to this place
But I know there's something more
To us than our mistakes
So is it you or is it me?
I know I'm so blind when we don't agree
But you should've known me by now
You should've known me
If you believed when I said
I'd be better off without you
Then you never really knew me at all
If you believed when I said
That I wouldn't be thinking about you
You thought you knew the truth
But you're wrong
You're all that I need
Just tell me that you still believe
Is it you or is it me?
I know I said things that I didn't mean
You should've known me by now
You should've known me
If you believed when I said
I'd be better off without you
Then you never really knew me at all
If you believed when I said
That I wouldn't be thinking about you
You thought you knew the truth
But you're wrong
'Cause you're all that I want
Don't you even know me at all?
You're all that I need
Just tell me that you still believe
