Recently, I've found myself losing interest in just about everything I used to love. For the past few weeks I've left my clay and wire untouched, and felt no artistic drive to work with them. Even video games, something I used to delight in, haven't been able to sway my favor. It's not that I'd become bored with what I have, it's almost as though I developed an aversion to the things I like.
I think the reason backing my aversion is the emotions and people I had come to connect to these hobbies. Two of my favorite gaming franchises (Final Fantasy and Legend of Zelda) are, in my mind, strongly connected to people who caused a lot of pain in my life. Especially Final Fantasy. Three of my favorite games from that series are FF IX, FF X, and FF X-2. The reason they ended up being my favorites was probably because of the connections they had to these people. Final Fantasy X-2 was the game that introduced me to someone who would become the person I became the closest to in my life so far. It was actually lent to me by this person, would later become a running joke with them, and finally became a gift from this person. When I would have a bad day, I would come home and play it and think about this person and feel happy that I had such a person in my life. Final Fantasy X was also a game that reminded me a lot of this particular person, and playing it would produce similar happy feelings.
Much in the same way, Final Fantasy IX was lent to me by another person who would grow to become almost equally important to me. They said the game was one of their favorites, and it ended up becoming one of mine too. This person lived far away, and when I missed them I would play this game to ease the sad feeling of their absence.
In the same way, working with clay was tied heavily to these people. The whole reason I started working with clay in the first place was to make gifts for these people I came to care about. Ever since then, everything I would make was crafted with the thought of them, what they would think of what I made, whether they would like it. Most of what I made was given to these people, because both of these people became extremely important to me, and I cherished them.
So when one used me and the other decided they were done with me, I was left with a lot of unhappy feelings. Feelings I would much rather forget. And, just as the happy feelings had connected themselves to these games and hobbies in the past, the unhappy feelings wound themselves into the games and clay. If I'm busy, the hustle and bustle drowns out the sad feelings and I'm okay. But when things slow down, as they have in the past couple weeks, the unhappy feelings arise from their hiding places and grab hold of me, draining me of my life energy and trying to drag me down. When that happens, I end up avoiding the things that harbor these feelings, in an attempt to save myself from having to deal with them.
But I don't want to continue on like that. So I've decided to fix things. Buried somewhere in the bad feelings are the good memories, and it's time to bring those to the forefront. The hurt that these people caused doesn't cancel out all the good memories, and it's time to focus on that instead.
So, I'm going to replay through all these games. I haven't touched them since all the stuff that happened this summer, and it's time to dust them off. I'm going to start with FF IX, the one given to me by the person who hurt me the most. I'm going to play them. And I will enjoy them. I will allow my memories to surface, and remember both the good and the bad as I go through these games. And when I finish them, I will put them back in their case, and with it I will seal the memories I have of these people. What happened is done and over, and it's time to categorize the feelings and put them in the past where they belong. Because there isn't any room for them in my future.
Before, I had foolishly pre-written my story before it happened. I had planned everything out, based on my limited knowledge. My pre-written story included people that are no longer part of my life. So from now on, I'm writing a new story. I'm not gonna get ahead of myself, but I'm going to blaze forward and catch up to the rest of my life.
"This is it. This is your story. It all begins here."
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