Stop

To the high school boys loitering in the shopping center where I work,

Stop.

Stop harassing me when I'm biking to work.  Stop yelling out slurs and remarks about my breasts and descriptions of what you want my mouth to do to you.  Stop pointing out various parts of my body to each other in the way one would point out choice cuts of meat.  I am not a "heifer", a "slut", a "whore", a "bitch".  I am especially not YOUR whore, and do not refer to me as such.  You do not own me.  I am not an object that you can purchase or acquire through any means other than my own offering.  

Stop insulting me when I take the higher road and ignore your remarks and pass by without incident.  Stop acting like I should feel blessed that you would bestow your attention upon me, and that I owe you something in return.  Do not tell me that I'm the bitch for ignoring your "compliments".  Your remarks are disgusting and degrading.

To the man who stopped me in the supermarket,

Stop.  

Stop asking for my number, my name, if I'm single.  Those things in themselves are not wrong to do, but you need to look me in the eyes when you're asking.  Do not look lower than my eyes while speaking to me, and then get offended when I give you the cold shoulder and turn you down.  Stop acting like I'm a frigid brat for refusing you.  Just because I am single does not mean I am automatically interested in getting to know you, just because you liked what you saw enough to approach me.  I am single, not desperate, and I would like to think I'd never settle for a man who can't even treat me like a lady.

To society,

Stop.

Stop making it so that it's abnormal, weird for a woman to defend herself from such harassment.  Stop laughing verbal sexual harassment off as just a rude gesture.  It is beyond a rude gesture.  It is degrading.  Dehumanizing. 

I am a woman.  I am a daughter.  A sister.  A friend.  I am an artist.  A reader.  A Child of God.  I love to play video games and be with my friends and sing in the shower and slide across the kitchen floor in my socks and a million other things that make me me.  And each time you make a degrading comment, you belittle all of these things for your own selfishness.  You attempt to strip me of my humanity and turn me into a sex object that you hope will emulate your desires.

And it won't work on me.

But there are girls who aren't like me.  Girls who don't know that their worth is not defined by the men who would degrade them.  By a society who says you'll never be quite good enough.  There are girls who shove their fingers down their throat and vomit in the bathrooms between classes, in an attempt to attract the wrong kind of attention.  There are girls who dress a certain way because they've been conditioned to believe the attention they get is positive and they strive for more of it to fulfill them.  There are girls who have allowed themselves to believe the lies that they are nothing without the attention.

And it needs to stop.

Rennfest

One of my favorite things about Autumn is the Renaissance Festival.  For those who don't know what it is, every year, from late August to late October, there's a festival held near Annapolis that is intended to celebrate the Renaissance of England.  There's period costumes and shops and shows and good food and it's just so amazing!  I've gone more times than I remember, with various friends and family.  

My favorite part of Rennfest has to be the shops.  There are a crazy amount of small shops, where you can buy anything from jewelry to tapestries to pots to face castings to honey.  There are plenty of clothing shops, where you can buy corsets and old style clothes, and leather stores to buy armor and accessories.  There's lots of different jewelry shops with beautiful pieces, and armories with weapons both fake and real.  There are healing shops and potters and so many others.  There's a moccasin shop that sells their leather scraps for cheap, and I make sure to stop by there every year.  One of my favorite shops is the coin press, where you can have your own personalized coin necklace made.

I have so many happy memories at Rennfest.  I remember going when I was young with Jessica, running around being mischievous and climbing the rock wall and having a blast.  I remember getting older and going with my friends by ourselves, seeing the shows and browsing the shops.  My first date ever, as in going out just the two of us, was to Rennfest, and I remember happily walking at his side and experiencing a fun day with him.  

As with many things, the older I get the more it loses it's magic.  I see the dirt and grime of what I used to think was a magic fairyland.  Someday, I may lose interest in Rennfest all together.  But as for now, it keeps bringing me back for more.

Neat DIY Tutorials

One of the goals I have this summer is to start crafting more.  I already make jewelry, but I want to branch out more and start on making my own clothes, accessories, home decor, nail art, baked goods and such.  I feel like this summer I should focus on two things:  making money for college in the fall, and recreating myself.  Too long I've forgone exploring my style, instead settling for black t-shirts and jeans hoodies and sneakers.  I think part of the reason why I did that was because I was uncomfortable in my own skin.  Black was slimming, and I felt I needed all the help I could get in that department.  Jeans and sneakers were comfy and neutral and safe, and hoodies helped me hide my body from the rest of the world.  


I don't know what's brought on this sudden craving to outwardly come out of my fashion shell.  I guess I can't really call it sudden, it's been building for a while.  Maybe I feel the need to establish myself as my own person in my group of friends. Maybe losing forty pounds has given me the confidence to feel better about my body.  Maybe it's just time:  I'm getting older, and need to stop dressing like I'm fifteen.  Regardless of the reasons why, I've been experiencing a growing curiosity concerning fashion and how it can relate to me.  I have even, believe it or not, started looking into skirts and dresses as future possibilities.  


I'm not sure what my style really is.  A good friend of mine has told me that my personal style leans toward the boheme, while others have considered me to be an edgy rockette.  I guess I'm a mixture of both.  Anyway, I've found some great tutorials on the internet that have piqued my interest, and I think I'll share some of them here.

This first skirt didn't actually have a tutorial to go with it, but I found it interesting nonetheless.  Besides the blaringly obvious fact that it is R2-D2 in skirt form, and therefore amazing, I like the design of the skirt itself. I think it's cute, and I like the wide waistband.

These jean cut offs with lace sides are really simple and easy to make, yet I think they're really cute and stylish.  Anyone who knows me would be shocked at the realization that I'm considering making and actually wearing these (I don't think I've worn girls shorts that weren't for sleeping in several years),  but I think this might be one of my first projects.  They don't require much sewing, and they would be easy to make.

I think this t-shirt is absolutely adorable.  You make it by using two t-shirts, one your size and one bigger, and I love the way it turns out.  You can use t-shirts that are the same color, or you can use different colors, or different prints, or or, the possibilities are endless!  It's also flattering for people who don't have wide hips (like me), and could help give me a more hourglass figure.

This shirt was made from silk scarves!  How cute is that?  I love how pretty it looks.  I'm dying to make this shirt out of the Final Fantasy VII silk scarves I saw somewhere.  Maybe someday...

This top is really neat.  It's got that edgy look I like and I think it's kinda sexy.

And these leggings would look great paired with the above top and some cut off or tattered jeans.

When I was a child, every year when we went to the Renaissance Festival, I would get a flower wreath headband, and I would be so freaking excited about it.  And even as an adult I still am.  These are just so precious.  I wouldn't even begin to know when I would wear one, but I can't help but want to make one anyway.

This is a hula hoop rug.  What more could you ask for?  I think it would look lovely in teal and brown.

These diy galaxy jeans are just amazing.  I haven't read the tutorial yet, so I don't know how hard it is to do, but I want to try it regardless.  You can also use the same technique to galaxify (I make up words) other things, like messenger bags and shoes.

Here's a simple tutorial for a dress or shirt.  I like this design because it's flattering for my body type, and is super simple to make.  


Here are the links to the tutorials:


http://clonesnclowns.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/diy-lace-embellished-cut-off-shorts-short-en-jean-a-dentelle/
http://annamariahorner.blogspot.com/2010/06/museum-tunic.html
http://www.thesunwashigh.com/2012/05/diy-galaxy-jeans.html
http://familyfun.go.com/crafts/hula-hoop-rug-995304/
http://beecurious.tumblr.com/post/24150535775/flowered-head-wreath-how-to
http://www.trashtocouture.com/2012/02/my-laced-up-collar-sleeves-diy.html
http://www.trashtocouture.com/2012/03/diy-laced-up-pants.html
http://talk2thetrees.blogspot.com/2012/04/how-to-make-easy-and-cheap-shirt-from.html

On Gaming and Other Things

Recently, I've found myself losing interest in just about everything I used to love.  For the past few weeks I've left my clay and wire untouched, and felt no artistic drive to work with them.  Even video games, something I used to delight in, haven't been able to sway my favor.  It's not that I'd become bored with what I have, it's almost as though I developed an aversion to the things I like.  


I think the reason backing my aversion is the emotions and people I had come to connect to these hobbies. Two of my favorite gaming franchises (Final Fantasy and Legend of Zelda) are, in my mind, strongly connected to people who caused a lot of pain in my life.  Especially Final Fantasy.  Three of my favorite games from that series are FF IX, FF X, and FF X-2.  The reason they ended up being my favorites was probably because of the connections they had to these people.  Final Fantasy X-2 was the game that introduced me to someone who would become the person I became the closest to in my life so far.  It was actually lent to me by this person, would later become a running joke with them, and finally became a gift from this person.  When I would have a bad day, I would come home and play it and think about this person and feel happy that I had such a person in my life.  Final Fantasy X was also a game that reminded me a lot of this particular person, and playing it would produce similar happy feelings.


Much in the same way, Final Fantasy IX was lent to me by another person who would grow to become almost equally important to me.  They said the game was one of their favorites, and it ended up becoming one of mine too.  This person lived far away, and when I missed them I would play this game to ease the sad feeling of their absence.  


In the same way, working with clay was tied heavily to these people.  The whole reason I started working with clay in the first place was to make gifts for these people I came to care about.  Ever since then, everything I would make was crafted with the thought of them, what they would think of what I made, whether they would like it.  Most of what I made was given to these people, because both of these people became extremely important to me, and I cherished them.  


So when one used me and the other decided they were done with me, I was left with a lot of unhappy feelings.  Feelings I would much rather forget.  And, just as the happy feelings had connected themselves to these games and hobbies in the past, the unhappy feelings wound themselves into the games and clay.  If I'm busy, the hustle and bustle drowns out the sad feelings and I'm okay.  But when things slow down, as they have in the past couple weeks, the unhappy feelings arise from their hiding places and grab hold of me, draining me of my life energy and trying to drag me down.  When that happens, I end up avoiding the things that harbor these feelings, in an attempt to save myself from having to deal with them.  


But I don't want to continue on like that.  So I've decided to fix things.  Buried somewhere in the bad feelings are the good memories, and it's time to bring those to the forefront.  The hurt that these people caused doesn't cancel out all the good memories, and it's time to focus on that instead.  


So, I'm going to replay through all these games.  I haven't touched them since all the stuff that happened this summer, and it's time to dust them off.  I'm going to start with FF IX, the one given to me by the person who hurt me the most.  I'm going to play them.  And I will enjoy them.  I will allow my memories to surface, and remember both the good and the bad as I go through these games.  And when I finish them, I will put them back in their case, and with it I will seal the memories I have of these people.  What happened is done and over, and it's time to categorize the feelings and put them in the past where they belong.  Because there isn't any room for them in my future.


Before, I had foolishly pre-written my story before it happened.  I had planned everything out, based on my limited knowledge.  My pre-written story included people that are no longer part of my life.  So from now on, I'm writing a new story.  I'm not gonna get ahead of myself, but I'm going to blaze forward and catch up to the rest of my life.  


"This is it. This is your story. It all begins here." 

Transition

Currently, my life is in a state of transition.  Or maybe more accurately, a state of hiatus.  My life consists of failed job searches and crafting from my dwindling supplies.  I'm almost out of clay and I'm lacking in wire.  Every day is a push to keep myself from going insane from a lack of things to do.  I must have rearranged my room thirty times by now.  I've become almost meticulous at keeping my room clean, if only for the reason that cleaning gives me something to do.

I've angered one of my best friends again.  I seem to be getting good at that.  We were doing so well too; we'd finally started mending the cracks that were left from this summer.  We were talking, joking, and enjoying each other's friendship again.  But then a misunderstanding happened, and suddenly I'm back on his list of people to ignore. 

It's kinda funny, in a sad, sad way, how all it takes to destroy something good is a misunderstanding.  Such a simple, small thing that causes so much damage.  It's truly a shame, that the one thing I'm skilled at is causing such detrimental misunderstandings.  Some people can sing, some paint, some are athletic.  My skill is making people mad at me.  And I do it so flawlessly.

Slamming Doors

Well, I'm done my fall semester, and Christmas break is officially here.  And here I am, two in the morning, lounging around in my room at the new house (which is FINALLY somewhat clean after coming home with all my college stuff to find it completely wrecked).  I'm weary and my body aches from cleaning and packing all day yesterday, and moving furniture and cleaning MORE when I got home.  But despite that, I feel completely at ease.  I'm not so much sleepy as I am relaxed. I feel like I'm floating, the sounds of the room coming to me kinda muted and mellow like I'm hearing it underwater.  The whirring of my laptop, and the planes flying nearby, and the soft snoring of my boyfriend from my floor where he crashed before making it to the couch, are all serving to lull me off into a contented state of total relaxation.  And right now I can't help but think about how wonderfully blessed my life has become, and how thankful I am for all the things, even the seemingly bad things, that led me to this place.  I'm starting to realize that sometimes even the most painful events can be a blessing in disguise.  That, had those painful things never happened, I would've never had the amazing things I have now.  It's almost funny to me: I had been so upset from being hurt, when getting hurt was the best thing that could have happened to me.  I thought I was losing something good, when really bad things were getting out of my life so that great things could happen.  I was foolish, and attempted with all my might to hold onto the things that weren't good for me.  Now, looking back, I'm so thankful that those doors were slammed in my face.  Because I'm kinda silly sometimes, and if they hadn't been closed for me, I would have gone through them.  And if I had gone through them, I would never have experienced this happiness I feel now.  Happiness I could never have gotten on the other side of the slammed doors.  The happiness may have come about from really painful stuff, but to me, this happiness was worth it.

Just Tell Me That You Still Believe

I wish I had a better understanding of people.  Sometimes, I even wish I could read minds.  I know, that would be a horrible superpower to have, and would backfire all the time.  Sometimes it is best to be oblivious, after all.  But sometimes, sometimes I stare at people and try my hardest to find out what people REALLY mean, what they REALLY think.  I think if I could read people's minds, and know what's really going on with someone, it would prevent me from saying the wrong thing, and hurting people and causing people to be mad at me.  I seem to do that a lot.  I've realized too late that I've already lost some of the most important people in my life, because I couldn't predict or be sure of what they were thinking. I've said stupid things and done stupid things and hurt them without realizing, and by the time I had a grasp on what was really going on, it was too late.  They were gone.  There aren't any second chances when it comes to stuff like this.  

The thing that makes it really sting is the little voice in my head that keeps reminding me that it's all my fault.  The pain I caused them, the pain I now feel at their absence, all of it could have been avoided, SHOULD have been avoided, if I had the ability to see things through eyes other than my own.  Even now, though I understand what my shortcoming was, I'm no closer to knowing how to fix it.  I still don't even know where to begin to know how to grasp another's thoughts.  And even now it's still causing problems.  I'm continually hurting one of the most important people to me, and I don't even know how to stop.  If I could just know what they were really thinking, I think I could figure it out.  But I don't know how to know.  I can't get that information from them.  People never tell you what they really, REALLY think, after all.  And the information I have gotten from them is so completely contradictory I don't know what's truth and what's false.  Shady actions and blatant horrid words strike me in the face, and my brain is telling me that they're lying when they feed you kind, placating words.  But then my heart speaks up and vehemently denies the possibility.  "They're there for you" it says.  This is someone who's had your back time and time again.  They've held you when you've cried and made you laugh when you didn't feel like being happy and they've said so themselves that they'll never leave you behind, that you're too important to them to abandon.

And then my brain speaks back up.  It calls my heart stupid and naive.  It reminds my heart of all the times they WEREN'T there for me.  Reminds of the darkest times, when they abandoned me when I needed them the most.  Reminds me of the contradicting stories and all the times I trusted and was let down and hurt again and again and again.  My brain tells me not to listen to my heart, reminds me of how broken I ended up whenever I had faith in them.  It begs me to run for my own good.  My heart begs me to stay for the same reason.

Both my brain and my heart have gotten me hurt before.  I no longer know which one to listen to, if I should listen to either.  I'm terrified to take action at all, honestly.  Every time I do, it's another mistake.  Will this next time, be the last?  Will the next mistake I feel almost certain I'll make be the one to tip them over the edge, and make them abandon me for good?  Can I prevent this from happening?  Everything I thought I knew about them has been completely upended, and I don't feel secure in knowing anything about them anymore.  


I'm terrified to try, and get destroyed again.  But I'm terrified to not try, and have them slip through my fingers.  But most of all I'm terrified because I don't know what to do.


Song of the Day:
Believe- Skillet


I'm still trying to figure out
How to tell you I was wrong
I can't fill the emptiness inside
Since you've been gone

So is it you or is it me?
I know I said things that I didn't mean
But you should've known me by now
You should've known me

If you believed when I said
I'd be better off without you
Then you never really knew me at all

If you believed when I said
That I wouldn't be thinking about you
You thought you knew the truth
But you're wrong

You're all that I need
Just tell me that you still believe

I can't undo the things
That led us to this place
But I know there's something more
To us than our mistakes

So is it you or is it me?
I know I'm so blind when we don't agree
But you should've known me by now
You should've known me

If you believed when I said
I'd be better off without you
Then you never really knew me at all

If you believed when I said
That I wouldn't be thinking about you
You thought you knew the truth
But you're wrong

You're all that I need
Just tell me that you still believe

Is it you or is it me?
I know I said things that I didn't mean
You should've known me by now
You should've known me

If you believed when I said
I'd be better off without you
Then you never really knew me at all

If you believed when I said
That I wouldn't be thinking about you
You thought you knew the truth
But you're wrong

'Cause you're all that I want
Don't you even know me at all?
You're all that I need
Just tell me that you still believe